‘Jersey Shore’ season 5 premiere recap: The gang heads back to Jersey, return to tanning, smooshing, drama

“I feel like I was at boarding academy and America’s my mother,” Ronnie waxes poetically. “And I’m aflame to see my mother!”

But you apperceive who’s a little too aflame to see his mother? Mama’s boy Vinny, who spends the accomplished adventure arrant into his hipster glasses about how alone he is.

Wahhh I’m so annoyed of authoritative money for bubbler on camera wahhh, he moans.

At atomic some things never change – cipher wants to alive with Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. To abstain accepting to beddy-bye in the aforementioned allowance as him, anybody opts for their old beds – afterwards all, Snooki already apparent her area by peeing in chastening – abrogation poor Sammi and Ronnie with the affliction affectionate of active Situation.

So what’s the aboriginal affair the self-proclaimed “guidos” and “guidettes” do aloft abiding to their homeland? Snooki starts bubbler bind abstract beeline out of the jar, the boys go for an emergency GTL affair (a “tanorexic” Pauly D proclaims he’s “almost as white as his teeth!”), and they all arch bottomward to the boardwalk to analysis out the Bank Store, area they’ll already afresh be “working.”

Boss Danny invites the accumulation out for drinks that night, but aloft their accession at Captain Hook’s Bar, they acquisition it’s a acceptable home affair complete with ‘Jersey’ accompany and family. Vinny’s Uncle Nino, whom Ron affectionately calls “the ultimate creep,” is aback – and drunker and flirtier than ever.

Snooki’s admirer Jionni is there too, as is her best acquaintance Ryder and Mike’s acquaintance “The Unit,” both of whom were attestant to the declared amalgamation amid Mike and Snooki. You know, the one the Sitch spent all aftermost division babbling about because it meant Snooki had cheated on her admired Jionni?

Snooki is (understandably) freaking out that Jionni will acquisition out she cheated on him, so she (not understandably) starts agreeable at The Unit and calling him names. The Situation tells her to shut up or Unit will alpha cogent anybody about their hookup.

“That’s like a bad chess move,” says Ron, a.k.a, Bobby Fischer. “That’s like arrest appropriate there.”

“This is blow season,” Mike warns. “And it’s headed beeline for Snooki Island.” Come on, Sitch, you can do added good than that.

That night, The Unit, Ryder, Jionni and JWOWW’s admirer Roger all arch aback to the bank abode to accumulate the affair going. Snooki anon ushers Jionni into her allowance for a little smush time – and to abstain a blast with the Unit and Mike. But it looks like the abhorrent brace is added absorbed in undressing anniversary added than apprehension Snooki’s deep, aphotic secret.

Sammi watches in admiration as the Situation “wifes up” the Unit – alteration in advanced of him, giving him a T-shirt and underwear to beddy-bye in – aloof like he does with all the girls he brings home.

“I aloof feel like Mike has gay tendencies,” Sammi muses.

Downstairs, Pauly and Ryder are flirting hardcore and Deena is visibly upset. In fact, back Pauly and Ryder arch off to his room, she has the assumption to chase them and sit at the bottom of the bed, abominably staring at them in silence. Finally, she stands up to airing out, mumbling, “Alright, whatever. I’m happy. Awesome.”

But Pauly D does accept a moral brain-teaser on his easily that has annihilation to do with Deena’s not-so-subtle drove on him. Ryder has ahead absorbed up with both Vinny and The Unit, and Pauly doesn’t apperceive whether he wants to accept his bro’s awkward abnormal – abnormally because Vinny is absolutely in the room. However, Pauly additionally doesn’t appetite to be abrupt to his guest.

“Whether you’re the aboriginal man in or the aftermost man in, Ryder!” he quips.

“Ryder’s f***ed anybody in the house,” Vinny laughs. “If she f***s Ronnie, it’s like guido Bingo!”

“Everybody can ride her, aloof like a bus route,” they chant.

Jay-Z would be so proud.